From Here:
“Attention Seeking”
To There:
“Connection Seeking”
Perspective
“She’s just doing it for attention.”
“He’s acting out again — ignore it and move on.”
How many times have we heard these lines in support settings? More importantly, how many times have we believed them?
For people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD), behaviors often get quickly slapped with the “attention-seeking” label — as if that label alone explains everything and justifies doing nothing. The prevailing strategy? Ignore it.
Ignore the behavior you want to go away. Reinforce the behavior you want to see.
Sounds strategic on paper. But in reality? It can be devastating.
Because what’s actually being ignored isn’t a behavior — it’s a person reaching out for connection.
Knowledge
The term “attention-seeking” has become a red-flag phrase in support work — one that invites dismissal instead of curiosity. Yet, when we zoom out, we realize something simple and deeply human: the need for attention is the need to belong. To be seen. To matter.
For many people with IDD, behavior is communication. And when their environment lacks consistent, genuine connection, people find ways to ask for it, the only way they know how. That might look like yelling, throwing, grabbing, repeating, not because they’re trying to be difficult, but because they’re saying: “Please notice me. Please connect.”
And a traditional response?
“Ignore it.”
How backwards can we be
A Story: When Being Seen Doesn’t Feel Good
Let’s say it was your big day.
A birthday, a graduation, a celebration in your honor. You were the center of attention. People clapped, cameras flashed, compliments rolled in. You smiled, posed, soaked it in.
Later that night, scrolling through photos or checking your teeth in the mirror, you see it:
Something green.
Hanging out of your nose.
The kind of thing someone should’ve told you about. But nobody did.
And just like that, the memory of that special event starts to shift. What felt like celebration now feels like humiliation. What felt like “they were all looking at me” suddenly feels like “they were all laughing at me.”
Here’s the thing: the attention didn’t change. But how it made you feel did.
Connection, Not Just Attention
This story highlights a truth we don’t talk about enough in the IDD field — or anywhere, really. Attention isn’t inherently positive. It’s neutral. It only becomes meaningful, hurtful, or healing based on how it’s experienced.
That’s why labeling someone as “attention seeking” misses the point entirely.
People aren’t just asking to be seen — they’re asking to be seen with kindness, with care, with connection. They’re reaching out in the best way they know how for validation, for safety, for human response.
If someone spent an entire event noticing your green nose but said nothing, you wouldn’t feel connected — you’d feel exposed. Alone. Maybe even betrayed.
Motivation
When we treat connection-seeking behaviors as inconvenient disruptions, we send a message that asking for relationship is wrong — or worse, ineffective. For the person supported, this reinforces isolation and disconnection. For the supporter, it breeds frustration and emotional distance.
But when we shift our mindset from behavior management to relationship-building, everything changes. Instead of seeing a person trying to “get something,” we see a person trying to feel something, like safety, warmth, inclusion and love.
This shift matters. Not just because it reduces “challenging” behavior (which it often does), but because it honors the human need to belong.
Habits and Habit Cues
Supporters are often trained with good intentions but outdated frameworks. The old behavioral mantra, “ ignore what you don’t want, reinforce what you do, doesn’t always hold up when what’s being ignored is a cry for human contact.
Let’s build new habits:
- Instead of “Ignore that, “they’re just doing it for attention,” try: “What connection might the person be needing right now?”
- Instead of disengaging, try brief moments of validation: “John, walk with me, talk with me.”
- Instead of reinforcing silence, assist in building and reinforcing relationship.
Be intentional through the day, because even small connections, a nod, a smile, a shared moment, can meet the need and change the trajectory of the day.
Leadership
Leaders must challenge systems and staff mindsets that treat emotional bids as behavior problems. Ask:
- Are we ignoring attempts at connection in order to not reinforce “undesirable” behaviors?
- Are our strategies trauma-informed, or just habit-formed?
- Do our plans focus more on extinguishing behavior than cultivating relationship?
Build cultures where connection is prioritized over control. Train for empathy, not just compliance.
Attention Seeking in the workplace, among co-workers and Employees
Here are some relatable, real-world examples of behaviors often labeled as “attention-seeking” in the workplace — especially among employees — that are actually attempts to connect, be validated, or feel seen:
Verbal Behaviors
- Frequent Complaining or Venting
Repeatedly pointing out issues, often in public forums, may be an attempt to feel heard or validated — not just to stir the pot. - Interrupting Meetings or Conversations
Cutting others off or jumping in may come from a need to feel included, important, or not left behind. - Constant Storytelling or One-Upping
Sharing personal anecdotes or outdoing someone else’s story might be a way to say: “Notice me. I matter here too.” - Over-Apologizing or Asking Repeatedly for Approval
Not just about insecurity — this may be a bid for reassurance or connection.
Nonverbal / Behavioral Patterns
- Dramatic Exits or Withdrawing
Storming out or going silent may feel like manipulation, but often it’s an “I don’t know how else to ask for help or support” moment. - Constant Need for Feedback or Praise
Repeated check-ins like “Was that okay?” or “What did you think?” may be someone trying to gauge their value or place in the group. - Taking on Too Much or Always Being “the Hero”
Going above and beyond may not be about work ethic alone — it might be a way to earn validation or avoid feeling invisible. - Showing Up Late… Consistently
Sometimes chronic lateness is about control, sure. But sometimes it’s a subconscious attempt to create attention that’s otherwise missing.
Digital and Passive-Aggressive Signals
- Overuse of Messaging Apps or Email “FYIs”
Dropping constant updates in group chats may reflect a need to be seen as contributing or relevant. - Social Media Oversharing About Work
Not always about ego. Could be an effort to say, “Please notice I’m trying,” especially if they don’t feel seen in the workplace.
Final Thought
It’s time to retire the phrase “attention-seeking behavior.”
Let’s move from managing behavior to meeting needs.
From ignoring cries for connection to answering them with presence.
From here… to there.
Because no one should have to scream to be seen.
The One Thing
Regardless of where you are on this journey from here to there, from “attention seeking” to connection seeking… may we all say to ourselves on a daily basis…
“Today I choose, in my role, to assist people in getting their needs met.”
